In the interests of writing more and giving you, the loyal reader, an inside shot at making some money off of the greedy bookies I have employed the services of my good friend Nostradamus Chris Ferguson to give you weekly betting tips so you know exactly where you should be placing your hard earned Rands.

Now for a little background on our tip-giver. Chris is, hands down, the worst gambler I know. I’ve been to Vegas and have seen senile old women piling their pensions into 5c slots while eating catfood out of the tin who know more about placing a wager than our dear Chris. If he bets one way, you can be sure the result will go the other. My statisticians tell me that they can say with 98% confidence that he alone caused the Sharks to drop out of the Super 14 bet by placing just two bets, Sharks over the Reds by 7 or more and Sharks to just beat the Cheetahs. If Chris put money on me living out my three score and ten years, I’d spend the rest of my days looking over my shoulder for my impending early exit.

So how will this help you, in an age of spread bets and online gambling and identity fraud? Well, each week I’ll get Chris to give me his hot tips on what he thinks are good bets, and then you have a look and if you like what you see then bet the other way. Who knows, you might just make some money.

So, without further ado, here are Chris’ picks for this weekend’s sports action (Due to the lack of rugby this weekend I’ve included some others):

Wimbledon: Mens: R. Federer (Can you spell upset?)
Womens: V. Williams

Golf (Congressional): T. Woods (Go Anthony Kim)

Vodacom Durban July: Win: Pocket Power
Trifecta: Pocket Power; River Jetez; Our  Giant

Rugby: Boks – 10

So there you have it. He’s gone a little conservative this week, I think his allowance must be wearing a little thin so there’s money to be had.

Peace.

*Legal Disclaimer: These are just tips. Follow them at your own risk. We accept no liability for your losses, but gratuitous payments for succesful bets are much appreciated. Winners know when to quit. Etc etc.*

See what I did with the heading? You know, the whole eye-gouging thing. And there’s been somewhat of a media “storm” over the whole debacle. Pretty smart hey? My gran always said I was a cunning linguist. Pity Pieter de Villiers isn’t, although the lady from the car in the parking lot may beg to differ. The whole saga has highlighted something with which I, for one, have had a huge problem for a very long time.

Our beleaguered helmsman has taken a lot of flack for his comment, and considering the circumstances under which it was made, some might say he deserved it. But to say that Pieter de Villiers actually condones eye-gouging is taking it a little far. As we have all seen over the last year or so, English is certainly not one of The Moustachioed One’s strengths. It’s not his mother tongue for a start. So perhaps he misunderstood the question asked to him, and that he maybe thought it was more general in nature, pertaining to the whole air of thuggery that pervaded the game at Loftus and not just to Schalk’s horrific act. Which it certainly was, and I’ll get to it later.

But unfortunately scandal sells more tabloids than uplifting stories of victory (which I guess the British media are a little short of at the moment so I’ll cut them a little slack) and so Pieter had to come out with his tail between his legs and issue an apology. Which was necessary, because his comment was hectic taken in the context that it was and we cannot have our coach speaking like that. Furthermore, someone needs to put a stop to his nonsensical ramblings at every press meeting. He (and Springbok rugby) are becoming the butt of every joke in the foreign press. Talk of tutus, mechanics and taunting wild animals no longer make him sound pleasantly eccentric, but rather like a fool who doesn’t have anything of value to add. Which isn’t the truth, and steps must be taken to get his public face matching the obviously excellent work he’s doing with the team.

In the end, the whole saga should have been left at his apology, and the fact that Brian O’Driscoll felt it necessary to fire a parting shot as he boarded his plane back to Ireland was a little pathetic. Very brave to start calling names from the comfort of the First Class lounge, unlike me of course. I’m brave and chivalrous and never shy away from danger. Just ask that kid who tried to jump in front of me in the queue for Transformers 2 tickets. This is not the first time that O’Driscoll has been involved in bad blood on a Lions tour, and this fact makes me question my previously very tender feelings for the Irishman. But that’s news for another day, and some research will have to be one before I really question one of the greats of our time.

On to Schalkie, and I would like to say that having briefly met the big man, the sight of him sticking his fingers into Luke Fitzerald’s skull was shocking to say the least. It was completely out of character from someone who has always impressed me with the way he carries himself both on and off the field. Nevertheless, it was an act of severe brutality and one which had to be punished. The fact that he got eight weeks is pretty fortunate in my view, and his personality and character must have weighed in on the decision because I can’t see how it differs from incidents like Johan le Roux’s ear-biting. Hopefully Burger learns that he needs to keep a lid on that aggression and put the energy into more positive endeavours like improving his game. Or crocheting. Or maybe scrap-booking.

And finally, on to this weekend’s game. The Boks have fielded a pretty experimental side for the weekend, and I think that it’s been done pretty well. It would certainly have been safer to stick with forced changes, but the coaching staff have managed to field a whole new side without actually weakening it in any way. What this will do will help to create further depth and still give us more than a decent shot at whitewashing the Lions. Kirchner at fullback is cool, Steyn’s not a natural there and it’s good to have someone else competing to make sure he keeps on his toes. I think Zane has the class to make a brilliant Bok 15, and hopefully he seizes the opportunity with gusto. Twelve and thirteen are arguably the form centre pairing at the moment. Olivier had a blinder of a Super 14 and Fourie has proven just how special a player he is, even with very limited game time. Nobody can doubt Morne Steyn at 10, and I really feel that we are entering an era where the Bok team is picked around a solid 9-10 combo, something we’ve craved for so long. Kankowski deserves a run and I look forward to his battle with the less mobile but more physical Jamie Heaslip. All in all, a rock-solid-if-unconventional side but one that I think will do the job.

Graham Rowntree said that the Lions do not deserve to be whitewashed. Nonsense. If they couldn’t scrape a win against a Bok side that only really played maybe 40 minutes of quality rugby across two tests then they should go home 0 and 3. Bottom line. Until the Northern hemisphere learns that rugby talent is grown at home, and not picked from obscurity to play in positions normally taken up by foreigners in their home leagues, they will not compete with us. That’s not to say that the tour has been disappointing, far from it. The two tests were hard and physical like those of old, and the climax to the Battle of Loftus was one that I will remember and tell my grandkids over and over with verve and wonder. The spirit and strength of the Lions has meant that the 2 wins have been so close I’ve had to check my pants for skidmarks at least three times. So maybe, as far as that goes, they don’t deserve the whitewash. At the end of the day it’s been a tremendous two tests and I hope that this weekend produces a similarly ferocious encounter, as it will make that whitewash all the more worthwhile.

Boerie, green jocks, chips, dip. You know the drill.

Go Bokke.
Peace.

Katy Perry has a very, very impressive décolletage and so, naturally, she is wonderful and everything she says is truth. When she sang the words “You’re hot and you’re cold/You’re yes and you’re no/You’re in and you’re out/You’re up and you’re down/You’re wrong when it’s right/You’re black when it’s white/We fight we break up/We kiss we make up” I don’t think she had the Springboks and their efforts in the 2009 Lions Series in mind, but I think you can see just how pertinent those sage-like words have proven to be.

On paper, in the opinions of any two-eyed (ie. Non-British) journalist and in the minds and hopes of our great nation the Springboks should have wiped the floor with the Lions. While they are certainly not a terrible side, their impressive wins in midweek have proved this, they should not match up to the mighty force that the Springboks can deliver. They have fought bravely, and the narrow margins in the two tests so far are a testament to McGeechan and his staff as well as to the spirit that embodies the hallowed Lions tradition. There are some fine players in their squad and my pulse rate today alone tells a story of the fight these guys have put up. But the Springboks are World Champions, and I’d argue that the squad we have today is actually stronger than that of two years ago.

However, it’s the fact that the Springboks tend to blow hot and cold that really let the Lions in during the first two tests. And much like Katy, this has left us both confused and flustered. Theories are rampant and the media has been teeming with all sorts of reports, ranging from closet racism, to rustiness, to bad selections and to the ticket prices. But the real reasons are far simpler and thankfully easier to fix.

The selection thing isn’t altogether incorrect, as The Moustachioed One’s matchday 15 could look a little better, but I probably wouldn’t change the 22 too much. To start at the top, Heinrich Brussouw must play at 6. His presence at the breakdown is visible from the second he walks on the field. In the first test, we killed the Lions at the breakdown. He was first to the breakdown, playing right at the ball and meaning that the likes of Juan, Bakkies and Bismarck could set about their business of smashing people away without having to concern themselves with actually grabbing the nut. As such, these three played good games. Brussouw was then yanked off the field and the whole deck of cards came tumbling down. Today, we got pushed off of our own ruck ball on numerous occasions. Why? Because our hard men couldn’t focus on cleaning the opposition out, they were so busy trying to get hold of the ball. Consequently, men like Simon Shaw could step in and push us over. Brussouw came on the field and it was like a different team was playing. Even with Bakkies off the field we started shunting the Lions off the ball, because the big boys knew that the little terrier was in there getting the ball, so they could focus on beating the crap out of the guys trying to bother him. Classic, powerful Springbok rugby. To top it off, Brussouw ironed out Shane Williams and put Fourie away to score. Schalk tried to rip a guys eye out. I think we can see which is the more positive contribution. Now I love Schalk just as much as the next guy, he’s a real Bok hero and this run of poor form will certainly wear off, but some time on the bench may give him the boost necessary to push him back to his best.

But the problem with having Brussouw at 6 means that our defence is narrowed a bit. With Schalk there, the flyhalf can stand a channel out which then takes the heat off of our rather flimsy midfield defensive unit. Solution, play Jaque Fourie at 13. Eddie Jones said that one of Fourie’s best assets is the way he organises others around him on defence. He talks to the men on either side of him and makes sure that they know exactly where they’re meant to be making their tackles. Add to this the fact that he himself thins attackers like the best of them, and you have a pretty nifty solution to the defensive woes. No need for the forwards to spend all their time sprinting to cover the outside center channel leaving huge holes for a switch (notice how many of those there were), leaving them to focus on their jobs. This is all without mentioning his attack, which as Ronan O’Gara can probably testify, is pretty awesome. Aside from running the sickest angle to pull Roberts off his line to open Habana’s gap (which he took with the sort of pace and verve that we’ve missed from the Bry-man, welcome back big guy, it’s good to see you again), he showed strength that hasn’t been seen since that day at school when Shaffer put all the weights possible on the hamstring curl machine and did his neck curls on it to run straight around, over and through the Lions to score what has to be the most hair-raising, spine-tinglingly awesome try in ages. And once again, the guy he replaces isn’t useless and needn’t be banished to go play in Japan, but deserves a spot on the bench where he can come on and make the sort of difference that an exciting and attacking-minded player like Adi Jacobs can make on the last 20 of a test match.

Which sort of brings me to my next port of call. A flyhalf is probably the most important player on the field. He has to make sharp, calculated decisions in a fraction of a second. This sort of skill comes from natural talent and years and years of experience in a position. Ruan Pienaar has piles of the former, and not much of the latter. He is a great scrumhalf, and had it not been for that little genius from Pretoria he’d probably be the best 9 in the world at the moment. But he still looks uncomfortable at flyhalf. He’s had great games at 10, so good that I was forced to eat my words last year, but his inconsistency boils down to the fact that he is playing out of position. The worst thing is that we don’t need him there. Morne Steyn has blossomed into the kind of flyhalf that you can bet your life on. He’s no Carlos Spencer or Matt Giteau, but if you need someone to kick you out of trouble, or to get your outside backs away quickly, or to cover his channel, he’s your man. Rather have Pienaar focus on his best position, something he himself has admitted as being his preference, and stick Steyn in to the hotseat. We know now that those enormous nuts aren’t just used when he’s wearing the Bulls jumper, because he was flawless in the face of some incredible pressure today. Like the other two incumbents I’ve mentioned today, Pienaar will add value from the bench where he can focus on being the quality scrummie he is, while providing excellent cover in other positions should the need arise.

Pieter de Villiers is in for the high jump this week, and I’ll leave that job to the real journalists. What I will say is that I hope he relaxes his seemingly rigid principles-based selection process and pick players on a combination of form and class. Because when he gets it right he really does get it right, and the Boks have played some magnificent rugby under him. And, as I think I’ve pointed out here, his 22 as a whole is pretty much spot on. I might make it a 4-3 bench and bring in a Wynand Olivier or maybe a Zane Kirchner but on the whole it’s solid. And with a few tinkers here and there the starting 15 could be the balanced, epic 15 that can lead the squad to TriNations glory, and to the top of the world rankings, where we most certainly belong.

While todays win was far from perfect, and some incumbents might be looking at themselves and thinking that they aren’t as safe as they think they are, the fact that the team had the heart and talent to overcome a nasty deficit and some poor first half play to put in a sublime final 20 gives me hope. There’s still a lot that needs to be done but that’s exactly what I like to see, room for improvement. A good start would be a proper pasting of the Lions next week at Ellis Park (Soz, Coca-Cola) and a three-nil whitewash.

As an aside, big up to Bafana Bafana for doing us proud in the Confed Cup. If ever there’s been a turnaround performance that certainly is one and I’ll be busting my three-quarter sleeved jersey with pride at next year’s World Cup.

Till next time,
Peace.

The UCT PGDA programme is the devil’s work. Not only has it ruined my usually extremely sexy social life but it has also robbed me of my most beloved of pastimes, posting on this venerable website. But, with a 5 week study break ahead of me, I have managed to fend off the rigours of SAICA and the Income Tax Act to put up what will be my first post in yonks.
 

A lot has happened in my absence (unsurprisingly), and none of these happenings have provided more joy for the South African nation than the incredible romping that the Jacaranda boys meted out on the hapless men from the Waikato. As a born-and-bred Natalian, I have traditionally found it very difficult to find anything positive about the Pretorian unit. Their rugby was always boring, their players had the devil in their eyes (ahem, JP Nel) and the fact that they seemed to win almost everything, always, further fuelled the fires of abhorrence in my milky yet handsome colonial heart.
 

But something has happened up in Tshwane, and that something has resulted in the most incredible result in Super 14 history. The Bulls have played a brand of rugby this season that my beloved Banana Boys could only dream of. They’ve reached heights of rugby excellence that I thought were only reachable by the black-and-white-clad Sharks. While I certainly am not hopping on any bandwagons here, it would take a one-eyed fool to not applaud what Frans Ludeke and his men have achieved this year. A big part of their resurgence has been as a result of the adoption of a more flowing, open game that allows their extremely exciting backs the freedom they have desperately craved over the last decade or so. Gone is Divide By Three Hougaard and his penchant for playing channel one runners and kicking for anything. The man who has replaced him, and the man who I would like to see in the Bok 10 jersey this season, gives nothing away in terms of boot but instead uses this prodigious skill with far more tactical nous. Furthermore, his ability to elect to use the impressive pace and skill of the likes of Olivier, Pretorious, Habana, Kirchner and Ndungane outside him at just the right moment has meant that the Bulls have scored some truly beautiful tries this season. Ja, I did just say that the Bulls scored beautiful tries this season. It’s a little weird, I know.
 

Steyn was most certainly helped by that little genius linking him with that formidable forward pack. After the Bulls’ rather shaky start to the season, many were surprisingly calling for du Preez’s head. But as Bobby Skinstad tends to say a little too often, class will always shine through and it was du Preez’s management of that lumbering pack and his link with the backs outside of him that really got the Bulls playing the way they did in the last half of the season. He’s the best scrumhalf in the world by a country mile and sets an example of discipline and professionalism that the other halfbacks in the Republic will do well to follow.
 

And with Fourie du Preez out the way, I must now commend the 8 men who lay the platform for the aforementioned backs. The Bulls pack has always been big and physical. They’ve always dominated up front, and teams have always hated playing them. But to a certain extent, this dominance was also their downfall, as they tended to overdo it a little. Pushing the maul one step too far, making one too many pick and goes when the backs are open and more excited than me at a Heidi Klum Real Doll sale, stomping on people’s heads and getting yellow cards. This brute strength has now been tempered with a disciplined and accurate understanding of what it is that they are on the pitch to do.
 

Spies is there, like Megan Fox in Transformers, to set our pants on fire. Pretorius and Stegmann are his supporters, cutting down backs, carrying the ball with purpose and creating havoc at the breakdown. Matfield and Botha are at the pinnacle of their game, they steal lineout ball in tandem, run the show from the front and provide a physicality that is a hallmark of the South African game. And the front row, with strength and guile, provide the foundation off of which the other 5 work. It’s a wonderful thing to see, and in tandem with the equally impressive Sharks 8, the Bok pack should be one for the ages.
 

Alright, so there it is. My tribute to the Jacaranda-scented Bulletjies. While I will most certainly not be wearing any baby blue undies in the near future, the performances of the 2009 Super 14 champions have certainly instilled in me a respect for the game they play that has, justifiably up until now, been absent. And as a last tribute, may I give a massive high five to the Loftus crowd. The reception that Mils Muliaina got after his truly excellent speech (how brilliant is that man?) was one of respect and knowledge of the game. It showed that the Loftus faithful (with the exception of that prick with the Oranje Blanje Blou) are a learned and reverent bunch, and was heartwarming to see.
 

And so, from a rerige soutie, comes a congratulations that is most certainly deserved. Blue Bulls, Bulletjies en Bullettes, you have set a terrific tone for the Boks to take forward into this most important of international seasons and here’s to hoping (and knowing) that the boys from the other unions will bring the same sort of noise to the party that you guys have done.
 

See you in the Shark Tank (We’re still the Currie Cup Champions, after all).
As always,
Peace.
 

We’ve got to admit that the Independent’s Chris Hewett is the one rugby journalist we make sure that we never miss here at SARugby.com.

You might not know him so well seeing as though he is based in England and covers that Northern Hemisphere stuff, but that doesn’t mean you won’t like his vibe.

With the Lions team being picked tomorrow he’s donned the selectors cap and picked his starting XV.

Check it out:  Hewett’s Lions

Traditionally, rugby and Shakespeare don’t make for good bedfellows. While I am absolutely in no way insinuating that Earl Rose doesn’t know his way around an iambic pentameter or that Pedrie Wannenberg wouldn’t be able to quote The Tempest, I just think that Will’s notion of pushing from the rear might differ slightly to that of, say, the Pierre Spies’ of our world.

That being said, this weekend and in particular the dates upon which it fell provide for some spooky coincidences with Shakespeare’s tragedy of 1599. In the play of his own name, Julius Caesar arrogantly ignored the creepy warnings of the soothsayer who told him to beware the day which the Romans call the Ides and confidently strode into the Theatre of Pompey and, ultimately, his death. The Sharks also chose to ignore the pundits who felt that the Reds, with their lighter and more mobile pack and exciting backline, would pose the perfect threat to the Sharks’ seemingly watertight game. And, to the chagrin of my extremely hungover self, they got beaten. Not because the Reds are going to win the Super 14, they’ll be lucky if they win another game this season. Not because of the the weather, the Sharks come from Durbs for Chrissakes. And it certainly wasn’t because of their haircuts. They won because they saw where the Sharks were weak and they attacked it. If you have a look at the game, you’ll see that the Reds offloaded at almost every single contact point, negating the bulky Sharks pack. And they could do this because the Sharks very seldom tackle the ball, giving the carrier the shot at passing it off to a teammate who can then attack the space. The Crusaders used to be very good at this, and they were consequently also pretty good at posing with the Super trophy for their team photo.

Thankfully, the Waratahs also stumbled so the Sharks didn’t lose too much ground. But with Monty duUseless being flown over to cover for the injured Pienaar, and with Steyn and his ridiculous hair and premeditated kicking game the only viable option at 10, the Sharks are all of a sudden looking a little thin in the backs. One hopes that Len Olivier is there as well, but I fear that he’s injured which is tragic because the young ex-Brakvegasian would’ve been a good replacement at 10. But it’s not all doom and gloom for my Banana Boys. They still have the best pack in the tournament and apart from the obvious issue at 10, the backline will still leave the pre-pubescent Force packing skidmark-proof jocks for Saturdays game. And I’ve always been a Steyn fan, so if he can start playing the situation in front of him instead of deciding what he’s going to do before the ball’s even in play, the Sharks can still pull one over the Worst Named Side in Sports History next week in Joburg Cape Town Durban Perth and return to the Republic with 3 from 4 in the Anitpodes. Sweet.

The next point of call is the great derby match. The Lions vs the Stormers always packs some heat, and the men from eGoli generally up their game and provide some rather stiff opposition for the Tiger Tiger MVG XV. Thankfully though, the combined efforts of Cape Town’s nightclub owners couldn’t keep the Stormers pissed enough to let the Lions in on Saturday. The Stormers were, for the first time in a while, superb. The Lions, to be fair, didn’t arrive to play 80 minutes and seemed to be more interested in willing a wardrobe malfunction out of the cheerleaders than providing any opposition for the Stormers in the second half. That being said, the Stormer’s were epic on attack and scored some truly wonderful tries. Big ups must go to Andries Bekker, Schalk Burger, Francois Louw and Gcobani Bobo. Luke Watson showed that he actually runs on hatred and played a great cameo when he came on. While I certainly do not agree with his politics, I must acknowledge his current form. And while the Caribbean Tan and highlights might not be fooling anyone, Percy’s game so far this season most certainly has me thinking he’s a lot younger than his 153 years. Rassie Erasmus is clearly a reader of mine because apart from de Waal at 10, he listened to every word I said and look what happened? 50 bloody points. Seriously though, the game plan was different, the players looked like they cared and the result showed the fruits of this heady combination of talent and long-needed brains. But unlike the Cape Argus who claimed that the Stormers were “Back in the hunt” after one win, I will remain grounded on this one. A heavy tour awaits and their uncanny ability to bounce up and down like booty in a 50 Cent video may have the Stormers faithful pulling their teeth hair out in the games to come. Hopefully, for the sake of the city I live in and for my 2nd favourite SA side, the Stormers can take this streak beyond one wonderful game and make a late charge for the playoffs. Accordingly, the Burton Boerie Roll Award goes to the Stormers side as a whole, and if they care to drop around to my digs I’ll fire up Ramesses and deliver 22 of Grabouws finest for the boys.

And finally, I must award the Earl Rose Floating Trophy for the Furtherance of Uselessness. Francois Steyn and his brainfarts made a dashing attempt at the crown, as did Earl himself with yet another brain dead performance by the Schoolboy Star Who Just Never Will. But the inaugural holders of the crown are the hopelessly inept, the hideously kitted, the unfortunately still competing Free State Cheetahs. Why oh why do Cheeky Watson and his money-loving cronies want to introduce a further dilutive 6th South African side when the latest entry, from the rugby stronghold of Bloemfontein, play the worst rugby week in and week out? The Cheetahs couldn’t tackle, they couldn’t catch and trust me on this one, they certainly can’t win a game this season. Not if they play like they did on Friday. Naka Drotske already salutes at the top of his dome and if he continues to coach a side that loses like this, his hairline’s going to recede all the way down the back of his neck.

So, it was a rather depressing weekend for us South Africans. Three losing sides with the only shining light being the Stormers, whose impressive iridescence kept a smile on all of our dials. This weekend sees the Bulls play their first game on tour and this should provide us with a good idea as to how strong their title chase will be. Based on what I’ve seen, I like to think they’ll put up a strong challenge but the ‘Canes are impressive and this game will be a cracker. The Sharks will bounce back against the Force and if they don’t that length of pool hose in our cupboard might find itself attached to my exhaust pipe. Other than that, I’ll be at the cricket at Newlands on Saturday funneling out of a kudu horn so if you’re not inimidated by beautiful men come say hoesit and we’ll rack you a cold one in Mother Nature’s finest drinking vessel. Ho yessa.

Till next time,

Peace.

For all the fiddling with the rules that goes on it would be nice if sometimes the Powers That Be would come up with rules that have some sort of value.  The ELVs are almost a complete waste of time - i say almost because the rule to prevent teams passing into the 22 before kicking out directly and the 5m back off the scrum rules actually add something to the game.  Willy nilly free kicks are utter rubbish and devalue the game as a spectacle.

 Think about it - you’re on attack, looking to score and the opposition deliberately infringes.  Old rules - knock the penalty over or kick to touch and go for a try.  ELVs - take a tap and play some more rugby league. 

 I’ve gone completely off the topic.  What is bothering me this week is what happened in the Sharks v Reds game on Saturday.  The touch judge saw a definite yellow card offence, but the Reds got away with it because he didn’t get a number. 

 Now surely in that circumstance the captain should be approached and the guilty player steps forward.  If that doesn’t happen the captain is asked to nominate a player to send to the sin bin.  Result - the Reds are duly punished for foul play and the Sharks get 10 minutes to play against 14 men.  Let’s leave out of the argument, for now, that they probably couldn’t have beaten the Reds if they’d played with 9 men!

Genia has been nailed with a four week ban, but it doesn’t help the Sharks at all. 

 If the IRB are going to get some of the big rugby minds to sit around and discuss rules - why not spend that time talking about rules that would actually make sense?

 Oh yes - because Rod McQueen and the rest of Australia want to play touch rugby. 

Hello. Hoesit. Kia Ora. G’day. The firm grasp of UCT PGDA and the ineptitude of my internet provider has kept me at more than arms length from my computer for too long. But I’m back in the blogmosphere and 100% of the people polled in my bedroom are mildly excited by this.

Week 4 sees the first of the Super 14 bye weeks, which means that I can have at least 80 minutes of my life back. What it also brings us are some pretty lekker derbies. The big one for us meat eaters and the one I’m going to focus on in this post is the Bulls-Stormers at the Loftus Versfeld. Rassie Erasmus, who needs to back off the crazy pills, has chosen this fixture as the one to experiment a little with his side. He’s brought in AJ Venter to add some grunt to the tight five. He’s added de Waal to flyhalf for some tactical kicking and to make autistic kids who like dividing by three happy. All good moves, if the fixture was being played on the 2nd Saturday of March 2008. Bulls ‘09 are not like Bulls ‘08. In fact, Bulls ‘09 are not like Bulls ever. Yes, they’re big, strong and still speak Afrikaans. But now they’re also fast and intelligent as well. Their scorelines don’t fit the three times table either, as now they score five pointers, seven pointers, penalties and every single piece of blonde ass North of the Jukskei.

AJ Venter in for Adriaan Fondse is retarded. Behind Matfield and Botha, Fondse and Bekker are the next best locking partnership in the country and I’m afraid that’s undisputable. 5 years ago AJ Venter was a hard man who danced to his own tune and wasn’t afraid to dish out some justice (much like me, but less handsome). Nowadays he’s a 35 year old milking the Stormers’ rather gratuitous contract offer for all it’s worth and racking up yellow cards like Steve Hofmeyr racks up offspring. If he makes halftime without calling for a defribrillator or getting sent to the bin it’ll be nigh on miraculous.

The second unforced swap, whilst still hopelessly misguided, I can sort of understand. The Bulls are a great kicking side. FdP the rugby genius and Morne Steyn will kick the s**t out of you all game and then give you their boots to polish afterwards. So Rassie’s put Willem in their to bang the three pointers and return any punts, hopefully with interest. Which sounds good enough. But like I said earlier, New Bulls can also run now. And run they will. Kirchner and Ndungane are great backs and can return punts until the cows come home. I’m not sure who this van den Heever oke is but I can only imagine he’s decent if he’s in the Bulls’ unit. So kicking to hand will end in tears. Kicking to touch is pretty brainless as well, as I can only count two recognised jumpers (Watson works at the back, but only at the back) in the Stormers pack whilst the Bulls have Matfield, Botha, Wannenburg and Spies. So they aren’t going to steal too many of those then. So de Waal, while adding a big and wise boot, will mean that the Stormers will lose crucial cohesion in the 9-10-12 axis and Grant’s strong defence. And that’s huge because I can promise you one thing; Spies, Botha, Olivier, Nel etc etc are going to nail that channel like it’s 20 years old and wearing jean shorts.

And then there’s poor Nick Koster. South Africa’s brightest young talent has been put to pasture at the ripe old age of 20(19?) and shifted out to the wing. Now I know that wing’s get a lot of flack but as one I think it’s time to point something. There’s acres of space around you. Really, it’s pretty scary. Like those dreams where you’re in a pool and it’s massive and you just can’t get near the edge so you swim and swim and swim until you wet your bed. At least that’s how my digsmate describes it (blushes). That means you have lots of ground to cover on defence. If you don’t know where you are at all times you’ll look like Danwell Demas. And Koster hasn’t played that much wing in his life. And it’s Fourie du Preez and Morne Steyn, probably the best kicking halfback pairing in the competition. Playing at home. In air that’s thinner than Naas’ hairline. This smells like Gaffie du Toit and Dave von Hoesslin being thrown in the deep end in New Zealand, and I can only hope that Koster fronts up and uses his prodigious talent and incredible skill set to the best of his abilities. Because Rassie has left him high and dry on the wing.

So, do I think the Bulls will give the Stormers 50 on the weekend? No, I don’t. Firstly, the Stormers are, in spite of what their results may tell you, a class side. The Lions game was bruising and the Bulls will be feeling it this weekend. Derbies are generally tight (We won’t mention 2004) and the Stormers have a point to prove. As does Luke Watson. So they’ll be fired up and will take it to the Baby Blue Jacaranda Boys. But if the Bulls can remove themselves from the spectacle of a derby and play with the unfettered freedom that they did against the Blues it could get pretty real for the Stormers. On the other side of the coin, the Stormers do have a tendency to kick sand in the face of naysayers like me and pull a great game out of the hat when it’s least expected, and for the sake of Rassie’s career and the futures of a few players I hope they turn up and make Saturday a contest. Because if they do, this could be a derby for the ages. If they don’t, it’s going to be a massacre. As a neutral who supports the Cape boys behind my beloved Sharks, here’s hoping it’s the former.

Peace.

Peter Bills, in his column for the Independent (UK) looks at the referral system coming to rugby.

Shock, horror! Rugby Union is embracing cricket’s third official referral system and there’s already a logjam of cases piling up.

New Zealander Colin Meads is challenging the long held assumption that the broken jaw of Welsh hooker Jeff Young on Wales’s 1969 tour had anything to do with him. Certainly, Young’s jaw came into contact with Meads’ ‘closed hand’ but who was to blame? What is a poor, honest New Zealand farmer supposed to do if some mad Welshman puts his jaw in the way of one of the great man’s limbs?

But alas, this referral business seems to have gone crazy in rugby. I hear New Zealand are appealing that Gareth Edwards’ great and glorious opening try in that famous Barbarians v New Zealand match, should never have been allowed. Why not? Well it seems that Phil Bennett may have broken the rules when he went scuttling back towards his own line and then side-stepped THREE times, making the New Zealand pursuers look complete fools.

Read the complete article here.

Nothing, and believe me when I say this, nothing, gets me more excited than the Super 14. Not holidays down the Transkei, not the first cane after exams, not Lindsay Lohan’s latest sideboob, not even the rearcourt view of Ana Ivanovic’s ad-court serve. And with three weeks to go until the tournament kicks off, I feel that it is pertinent to offer my preview of what is arguably the greatest regional rugby competition in the world.

The first port of call, obviously, is to assess the challenge that will be made from our home unions. Without any bias whatsoever, I will say that the Sharks are hands down favourites to lead the South African charge in this year’s tournament. As Currie Cup Champions they have finally shown that they can win a final, something that I and every other Natalian had begun to question after over a decade of staring at an empty trophy cabinet. Furthermore, history has shown that the Sharks have consistently been SA’s best performing side in Super rugby and their ability to turn it on both at home and in the Antipodes puts them at a great advantage. Luckily for them, they also have a fairly easy schedule, with a nice long run of home games that will hopefully generate momentum to take with them on the road. John Plumtree is quietly making a name for himself as the top coach in SA, and his ability to draw the best from his men means that the Sharks have depth that the 16 year old cruising your local mall with piercings in his face and his fringe in his eyes tries to portray in his poetry/photography/facebook status. A front row that can be picked from such fine players such as Beast Mtawawira, Bus-marck du Plessis, John Smit, Dr Jannie du Plessis MbChb, Deon Carstens and Pat Cilliers ensures dominance upfront. Messers Deysel, Botesi and Kankowski were the form loose trio in last year’s Currie Cup and will be hunting for fresh meat/the next turnover/your girlfriend. A backline that reads Kockott, Pienaar, Pietersen, Steyn, Jacobs, Ndungane and Terblanche could quite easily be wearing the Green and Gold as opposed to the jet black of the Sharks. All in all it’s a fearsome package, and one that I feel will be able to go the distance and take the crown in 2000 and fine.

Prediction: Definite playoff spot, pushing hard for the title.

Player to Watch: In a side full of gems it’s hard to pick, but I’m looking forward to Ruan Pienaar in his first full campaign at 10.

While I say that the Sharks are SA’s best performing side in Super rugby, I must also concede that they are not the South African side which proudly holds a S14 title. That honour goes to the Jacaranda-scented boys from Pretoria. The Blue Bulls endured what was a very forgettable start to last year’s season, but bounced back well towards the end of the tournament and carried that form forward into a very strong Currie Cup. The transition from Can’t Do No Wrong Meyer to Frans Ludeke was always going to be shaky, and at first it looked like burly Frans had taken a finely tuned machine and turned it into a barely functioning skedonk. Ludeke seemed hell bent on ignoring the Bulls pillars’ of forward dominance and multiples of three, and instead preferred that his side attempt to score tries from nowhere and let the opposition run through,around or over their once-formidable midfield. But there’s been a lot of change since then. Firstly, they managed to get rid of Hilton Lobberts to the Stormers in what must be the most once sided deal since the Manifest Destiny put Americans on arable land and Native American Indians on reservations. On a more serious note, the growth of Morne Steyn towards the realisation of his full potential as a class flyhalf has really allowed the Bulls’ attacking backs to flouish behind their consistently strong pack. Playoff contenders they will most certainly be, and the impregnable fortress that is Loftus Versfeld will continue to aid them in their quest for a second title.

Prediction: They’ll be fighting for the playoff position, but fourth place will see them travel and we know that’s not ideal for the Pretorians. A suprise win or two on tour could change all that though.

Player to Watch: Once again a side full of talent, but with forward momentum so important to this side, it’ll be all eyes on the loose trio and in particularly Pierre Spies to resurrect his pre-clotted lung form.

The Stormers are an interesting package. Apart from the front row, they have a pretty impressive squad. Andries bekker is on a fast track to becoming a Bok legend, and Adriaan Fondse is in my opinion one of the most underrated players in South Africa at the moment. They have so many looseforwards that Rassie Erasmus is (stupidly, and more on that in a separate post) thinking of playing wunderkind Nick Koster on the wing and their backline is littered with pace and class. Yet year-in and year-out they seem to be the little train that almost could but never actually did. Last year, a string of impressive wins on tour was absolutely mauled by some awful performances at home. It would take a pretty greasy media man to try and make out that Luke Watson and Vomitgate haven’t affected team dynamics. And for all his work in progressing the understanding of semaphore at the Cheetahs, Rassie just doesn’t seem able to get the Cape men to get their heads around flag signals like they should be able to. So, on the face of it, you’d think the Stormers have got no price. But that’s just where they want to be. Much like the Ikeys, no team wears the label of underdog like the Stormers. Their penchant for stylish rugby and their ability to tour gives them an edge that may well see them pushing for a playoff spot. If they can put together some performances at home and get the partisan crowds back in the stands, they may just be the South African surprise package.

Prediction: With so much quality in the league, it’ll be hard for them to make it especially with a weak tight 5. Anything is possible with the Newlanders though and consistency will be the key though. Top 6 finish with a look into the playoffs.

Player to Watch: The most exciting thing to hit Stormers rugby since they dropped the Joseph’s technicoloured dreamcoat kit, Nick Koster, will be looking to impress. Hopefully Rassie Erasmus will get over his brainfart and has the kid playing where he should be, at 8.

Next up I have the lions. For so long they have been the whipping boys of South African Super 14 sides. When Loffie Eloff took over the ages of some of his players were akin to those in R Kelly’s little black book. And Loffie wasn’t shy to tell us. He did have a point though, and his side of young ‘uns is slowly maturing into a solid unit. However, the excuse of youth is wearing a little thin and it’s time they started producing the goods. With the return of Andre P at flyhalf they should have some consistency in that berth, hopefully giving Earl Rose the necessary push to move on to a new career. I’d recommend the pharmaceutical trade, he seems to have a burgeoning talent which surely must not go to waste.

Prediction: Mid-table. Still not good enough to mount a serious challenge on tour, the Lions will do well to sneak a couple on tour and maintain a tidy record at Ellis Coca-Cola Park.

Player to Watch: Andre Pretorious. Both Lions fans and the Bok nation as a whole will be anxiously watching Andre P and his frail body, hoping against hope that he makes it through unscathed. His talent, quick mind and excellent boot will keep the Lions in the loop.

And finally, the Cheetahs. Under Rassie Erasmus, the men from the Friendly City flourished into one of the country’s leading sides. Their combination of forward strength and creativity in the backs meant that they there were Currie Cup champions for the three years prior to the Sharks’ ‘08 triumph. However, Naka Drotske has failed to continue the trend and the Cheetahs have floundered, relying on permutations to get themselves a semi-final berth in last year’s domestic competition. They do, however, have talent in bundles and the Free State hopeful will be relying on young guns Wilton Pietersen, Robert Ebersohn and Bjorn Basson to back up star men Heinrich Brussouw, Jongi Nokwe and Meyer Bosman. Is this enough to drive them through a tough draw that sees them play their first six games away? I’m not so sure, but they were unlucky to finish where they did in ‘08 with some tight losses and a side this talented will be tough to hold down.

Player to watch: Wilton Pietersen. He has all the makings of a great fullback, size, strength, speed to burn and a boot to match. Everyone’s talking about Ebersohn, but this man is my sleeper to watch.

Prediction: The Cheetahs will slug it out with the Lions, but I get the feeling that their weak touring ability may hurt them. They certainly won’t be last though, and like the Lions I’m placing them a little closer to the middle than the bottom. Reds and ‘Landers watch out.

So, there it is. I’m not picking an SA side for the wooden spoon and some may say that’s a little hopeful. But with the depth that our coaches have at their disposal, and with a little luck, I think we can mae sure that it’s either the mulleted wild folk from down south or the Brisvegas party boys that’ll be propping up the bottom of the table. The Sharks play the Stormers at Newlands on the 14th of February which just so happens to fall slap bang in the middle of O-Week. With it being Valentine’s Day, and with the latest shipment of amorous nubile first yearettes (real word?) still thinking that Tribal boxwine is manna from heaven, expect a fresh crop of new Stormers supporters to be flashing their boobs  showing their true colours. So the plan of action is basically buy the cheapest ticket you can find, print your student card/drivers licence/employment contract/z-card onto a t-shirt and get to the game. See you there.

Peace.