In perfect reverse motion to the intrepid voyages of those early explorers who sailed down from the frosty climes of the Northern Hemisphere seeking new lands to pillage down South, the rugby giants of the Southern Hemisphere will set off in the coming weeks to challenge our Northern brethren.

The South African squad, the Springboks, have been training at UCT this week. And let me tell you, it has been awesome. There’s nothing quite like walking out of a harrowing Auditing exam to see 30 minus 1 of South Africa’s finest being put through their paces. And by Jove they are looking good. Pieter de Villiers has made no secret of the fact that he wants to play John Smit at tighthead and Ruan Pienaar at 10. They’ve been training as such and having spent a good portion of my day watching them do their stuff, I can vouch for de Villiers’ decision. Smit’s bulked up a lot since last year’s World Cup and certainly looks like a tighthead. Whether this is due to his wife’s handiness around a baking tray or whether there’s been a plan put in place to get him up to size for his new role at 3 is completely open to speculation. He’s a little rusty on the technicalities but Gary Gold’s working hard at getting him up to speed and you can tell by the atmosphere in the squad that the whole pack is behind him. Which brings me my next comment, the team spirit. Watching the Boks gave me a sense of pride that I haven’t had since that time at Green Man when I scored that doll and my arms reached the whole way around. The Boks looked so behind each other it was a little weird at times. High-fives were dished out like bumbles at 330. There was so much bum-slapping I thought I was at a Village People concert. Bakkies Botha was play-wrestling Mujati before they packed dow, Schalk was pretending to be a bus driver on the scrum machine. I saw the Springboks doing what they were meant to do; training hard and loving every minute of it. People have often questioned de Villiers’ coaching but one thing the guy gets absolutely right is squad happiness. They look unified and tight and awesome. Like me in a Speedo.

There’s been some poo-pooing of the Bok squad of late, aimed mainly at Earl Rose. I’m not going to jump in front of that though. A lot has also been said of John Smit at tighthead and Ruan Pienaar at first-five. As I said earlier, I think Smit is smart enough and strong enough to handle the switch. While Ruan Pienaar is largely untested at flyhalf, he’s got all the makings of a great 10 and a tour up North, with the backing of his side, will do wonders for his confidence in the position. As for Rose, he might surprise us all and play great rugby on this tour. He’s been given a chance and if he takes it makes the most of it then he’ll get some deserved respect. I think there’s more chance of Mosiua Lekota and Julius Malema announcing their same-sex union after the weekend but from what I’ve seen he’s giving it the beans and I can’t fault a guy for that. I will, however, continue to laugh at him for strapping his arms and legs together and wearing the ugliest scrumcap ever manufactured.

While some girls have said that my steely blue eyes can look right through them and into their souls, they certainly can’t look into the future. But having watched the Boks practice has increased my faith in them, the coaching staff and that little man with his giant moustache. While he may speak like he’s just smoked his 40th Craven A of the morning, and deals with the press like I dealt with Kylie Minogue’s rejection of all my letters, Pieter de Villiers has got a good support team around him and he seems to be a great player manager. And if he can manage the whole brigade and bring home the bacon, then I don’t care if he speaks in tongues and relates rugby plays to buying whisky at Solly’s and likes sex in parking lots. He’s the Bok coach and has picked a very balanced squad and for that alone he deserves our support. We’re going to do a lot better on this tour than people have been saying, and I think that a little farther down the line we may look back at Pienaar’s first tour as the incumbent 10 and John Smit’s shuffle to the right as being master strokes. If not, Butch is a train ride away and we’ve got Brian Mujati waiting in the wings.

Now to the final Bledisloe Cup game. There’s been a lot of noise made about Carter at 12, and it’s all pretty pointless. Ted Henry knows he has the Bled won already, and he’s using this opportunity to see if he can fill the big hole at 12 that was left by Aaron Mauger and Luke McAllister’s combined sojourns to England. Ma’a Nonu is a game-breaker, but he’s as consistent as Wayne Ferreira and you need a rock-solid twelve to cement your backline. Anyone remember how awesome we were with De Creative Barry at inside? So he’s trying Diamond Dan at 12, a position he’s played a lot, to see if this is the answer. I think he’s going to dominate. Stirling Mortlock is his opposition, and a formidable foe he is. At outside center. At inside center Mortlock drifts all over the show on defence, leaking tries. Carter is going to waltz past him on the weekend, mark my words. And as for attack, well, he may run hard at Carter, but he’s got Richie McCaw running the cover pattern so even if Dan missed a tackle, which is something I haven’t seen in yonks, he’ll be blitzed by the cover. Bad move by Deans but like Henry he’s also looking to patch open the void at 12. Me personally, I’d have shifted Giteau out to 12, left Mortlock where he’s at his barnstorming best at 13 and played Barnes at 10. Or Beale if he was fit. But then again Deans has won like infinity Super 14 titles and my side once won the UCT B Internal League so he might be a more reliable source of rugby knowledge.

This is going to be exhibition rugby so watch it if you like watching tries and New Zealand winning. If you like watching Australia win, then you can rent the ‘99 World Cup highlights DVD from Mr Video for about 10 ronts.

This is the last weekend in a while where we can watch rugby stress-free so make the most of it. Let the hair grow back, give the nailbed some time to heal, sit back and enjoy the festival. I’ll be learning accounts.

Ja right. I’ve still got my black rods on so it’s Kiwis all the way.

Peace.