Hello. Hoesit. Kia Ora. G’day. The firm grasp of UCT PGDA and the ineptitude of my internet provider has kept me at more than arms length from my computer for too long. But I’m back in the blogmosphere and 100% of the people polled in my bedroom are mildly excited by this.

Week 4 sees the first of the Super 14 bye weeks, which means that I can have at least 80 minutes of my life back. What it also brings us are some pretty lekker derbies. The big one for us meat eaters and the one I’m going to focus on in this post is the Bulls-Stormers at the Loftus Versfeld. Rassie Erasmus, who needs to back off the crazy pills, has chosen this fixture as the one to experiment a little with his side. He’s brought in AJ Venter to add some grunt to the tight five. He’s added de Waal to flyhalf for some tactical kicking and to make autistic kids who like dividing by three happy. All good moves, if the fixture was being played on the 2nd Saturday of March 2008. Bulls ‘09 are not like Bulls ‘08. In fact, Bulls ‘09 are not like Bulls ever. Yes, they’re big, strong and still speak Afrikaans. But now they’re also fast and intelligent as well. Their scorelines don’t fit the three times table either, as now they score five pointers, seven pointers, penalties and every single piece of blonde ass North of the Jukskei.

AJ Venter in for Adriaan Fondse is retarded. Behind Matfield and Botha, Fondse and Bekker are the next best locking partnership in the country and I’m afraid that’s undisputable. 5 years ago AJ Venter was a hard man who danced to his own tune and wasn’t afraid to dish out some justice (much like me, but less handsome). Nowadays he’s a 35 year old milking the Stormers’ rather gratuitous contract offer for all it’s worth and racking up yellow cards like Steve Hofmeyr racks up offspring. If he makes halftime without calling for a defribrillator or getting sent to the bin it’ll be nigh on miraculous.

The second unforced swap, whilst still hopelessly misguided, I can sort of understand. The Bulls are a great kicking side. FdP the rugby genius and Morne Steyn will kick the s**t out of you all game and then give you their boots to polish afterwards. So Rassie’s put Willem in their to bang the three pointers and return any punts, hopefully with interest. Which sounds good enough. But like I said earlier, New Bulls can also run now. And run they will. Kirchner and Ndungane are great backs and can return punts until the cows come home. I’m not sure who this van den Heever oke is but I can only imagine he’s decent if he’s in the Bulls’ unit. So kicking to hand will end in tears. Kicking to touch is pretty brainless as well, as I can only count two recognised jumpers (Watson works at the back, but only at the back) in the Stormers pack whilst the Bulls have Matfield, Botha, Wannenburg and Spies. So they aren’t going to steal too many of those then. So de Waal, while adding a big and wise boot, will mean that the Stormers will lose crucial cohesion in the 9-10-12 axis and Grant’s strong defence. And that’s huge because I can promise you one thing; Spies, Botha, Olivier, Nel etc etc are going to nail that channel like it’s 20 years old and wearing jean shorts.

And then there’s poor Nick Koster. South Africa’s brightest young talent has been put to pasture at the ripe old age of 20(19?) and shifted out to the wing. Now I know that wing’s get a lot of flack but as one I think it’s time to point something. There’s acres of space around you. Really, it’s pretty scary. Like those dreams where you’re in a pool and it’s massive and you just can’t get near the edge so you swim and swim and swim until you wet your bed. At least that’s how my digsmate describes it (blushes). That means you have lots of ground to cover on defence. If you don’t know where you are at all times you’ll look like Danwell Demas. And Koster hasn’t played that much wing in his life. And it’s Fourie du Preez and Morne Steyn, probably the best kicking halfback pairing in the competition. Playing at home. In air that’s thinner than Naas’ hairline. This smells like Gaffie du Toit and Dave von Hoesslin being thrown in the deep end in New Zealand, and I can only hope that Koster fronts up and uses his prodigious talent and incredible skill set to the best of his abilities. Because Rassie has left him high and dry on the wing.

So, do I think the Bulls will give the Stormers 50 on the weekend? No, I don’t. Firstly, the Stormers are, in spite of what their results may tell you, a class side. The Lions game was bruising and the Bulls will be feeling it this weekend. Derbies are generally tight (We won’t mention 2004) and the Stormers have a point to prove. As does Luke Watson. So they’ll be fired up and will take it to the Baby Blue Jacaranda Boys. But if the Bulls can remove themselves from the spectacle of a derby and play with the unfettered freedom that they did against the Blues it could get pretty real for the Stormers. On the other side of the coin, the Stormers do have a tendency to kick sand in the face of naysayers like me and pull a great game out of the hat when it’s least expected, and for the sake of Rassie’s career and the futures of a few players I hope they turn up and make Saturday a contest. Because if they do, this could be a derby for the ages. If they don’t, it’s going to be a massacre. As a neutral who supports the Cape boys behind my beloved Sharks, here’s hoping it’s the former.

Peace.