Traditionally, rugby and Shakespeare don’t make for good bedfellows. While I am absolutely in no way insinuating that Earl Rose doesn’t know his way around an iambic pentameter or that Pedrie Wannenberg wouldn’t be able to quote The Tempest, I just think that Will’s notion of pushing from the rear might differ slightly to that of, say, the Pierre Spies’ of our world.

That being said, this weekend and in particular the dates upon which it fell provide for some spooky coincidences with Shakespeare’s tragedy of 1599. In the play of his own name, Julius Caesar arrogantly ignored the creepy warnings of the soothsayer who told him to beware the day which the Romans call the Ides and confidently strode into the Theatre of Pompey and, ultimately, his death. The Sharks also chose to ignore the pundits who felt that the Reds, with their lighter and more mobile pack and exciting backline, would pose the perfect threat to the Sharks’ seemingly watertight game. And, to the chagrin of my extremely hungover self, they got beaten. Not because the Reds are going to win the Super 14, they’ll be lucky if they win another game this season. Not because of the the weather, the Sharks come from Durbs for Chrissakes. And it certainly wasn’t because of their haircuts. They won because they saw where the Sharks were weak and they attacked it. If you have a look at the game, you’ll see that the Reds offloaded at almost every single contact point, negating the bulky Sharks pack. And they could do this because the Sharks very seldom tackle the ball, giving the carrier the shot at passing it off to a teammate who can then attack the space. The Crusaders used to be very good at this, and they were consequently also pretty good at posing with the Super trophy for their team photo.

Thankfully, the Waratahs also stumbled so the Sharks didn’t lose too much ground. But with Monty duUseless being flown over to cover for the injured Pienaar, and with Steyn and his ridiculous hair and premeditated kicking game the only viable option at 10, the Sharks are all of a sudden looking a little thin in the backs. One hopes that Len Olivier is there as well, but I fear that he’s injured which is tragic because the young ex-Brakvegasian would’ve been a good replacement at 10. But it’s not all doom and gloom for my Banana Boys. They still have the best pack in the tournament and apart from the obvious issue at 10, the backline will still leave the pre-pubescent Force packing skidmark-proof jocks for Saturdays game. And I’ve always been a Steyn fan, so if he can start playing the situation in front of him instead of deciding what he’s going to do before the ball’s even in play, the Sharks can still pull one over the Worst Named Side in Sports History next week in Joburg Cape Town Durban Perth and return to the Republic with 3 from 4 in the Anitpodes. Sweet.

The next point of call is the great derby match. The Lions vs the Stormers always packs some heat, and the men from eGoli generally up their game and provide some rather stiff opposition for the Tiger Tiger MVG XV. Thankfully though, the combined efforts of Cape Town’s nightclub owners couldn’t keep the Stormers pissed enough to let the Lions in on Saturday. The Stormers were, for the first time in a while, superb. The Lions, to be fair, didn’t arrive to play 80 minutes and seemed to be more interested in willing a wardrobe malfunction out of the cheerleaders than providing any opposition for the Stormers in the second half. That being said, the Stormer’s were epic on attack and scored some truly wonderful tries. Big ups must go to Andries Bekker, Schalk Burger, Francois Louw and Gcobani Bobo. Luke Watson showed that he actually runs on hatred and played a great cameo when he came on. While I certainly do not agree with his politics, I must acknowledge his current form. And while the Caribbean Tan and highlights might not be fooling anyone, Percy’s game so far this season most certainly has me thinking he’s a lot younger than his 153 years. Rassie Erasmus is clearly a reader of mine because apart from de Waal at 10, he listened to every word I said and look what happened? 50 bloody points. Seriously though, the game plan was different, the players looked like they cared and the result showed the fruits of this heady combination of talent and long-needed brains. But unlike the Cape Argus who claimed that the Stormers were “Back in the hunt” after one win, I will remain grounded on this one. A heavy tour awaits and their uncanny ability to bounce up and down like booty in a 50 Cent video may have the Stormers faithful pulling their teeth hair out in the games to come. Hopefully, for the sake of the city I live in and for my 2nd favourite SA side, the Stormers can take this streak beyond one wonderful game and make a late charge for the playoffs. Accordingly, the Burton Boerie Roll Award goes to the Stormers side as a whole, and if they care to drop around to my digs I’ll fire up Ramesses and deliver 22 of Grabouws finest for the boys.

And finally, I must award the Earl Rose Floating Trophy for the Furtherance of Uselessness. Francois Steyn and his brainfarts made a dashing attempt at the crown, as did Earl himself with yet another brain dead performance by the Schoolboy Star Who Just Never Will. But the inaugural holders of the crown are the hopelessly inept, the hideously kitted, the unfortunately still competing Free State Cheetahs. Why oh why do Cheeky Watson and his money-loving cronies want to introduce a further dilutive 6th South African side when the latest entry, from the rugby stronghold of Bloemfontein, play the worst rugby week in and week out? The Cheetahs couldn’t tackle, they couldn’t catch and trust me on this one, they certainly can’t win a game this season. Not if they play like they did on Friday. Naka Drotske already salutes at the top of his dome and if he continues to coach a side that loses like this, his hairline’s going to recede all the way down the back of his neck.

So, it was a rather depressing weekend for us South Africans. Three losing sides with the only shining light being the Stormers, whose impressive iridescence kept a smile on all of our dials. This weekend sees the Bulls play their first game on tour and this should provide us with a good idea as to how strong their title chase will be. Based on what I’ve seen, I like to think they’ll put up a strong challenge but the ‘Canes are impressive and this game will be a cracker. The Sharks will bounce back against the Force and if they don’t that length of pool hose in our cupboard might find itself attached to my exhaust pipe. Other than that, I’ll be at the cricket at Newlands on Saturday funneling out of a kudu horn so if you’re not inimidated by beautiful men come say hoesit and we’ll rack you a cold one in Mother Nature’s finest drinking vessel. Ho yessa.

Till next time,

Peace.