Brian Van Rooyen Exclusive
Beast (your favourite cynic) and the Sinbin (your favorite 10 minutes) have teamed up to for the most important interview you will EVER read, maybe. But probably not, but his expose was so groundbreaking and revealing, that these two champions have decided to syndicate future collaborations in a Parkinsonesque show. Their new talk show – Beastenders – will debut next month on BBC. Anywhoo… This is their exclusive interview with one of the scariest men alive. Former SARFU boss, Brian van Rooyen.
Sinbin/Enders: Morning Brian!
BvanR: Please call me Umkhonto from now on. It means Spear! I will rise out of the ashes in my complimentary Rover 75 Tourer. I plan to take over the Eastern Cape and the Spears, I am the frikkin Eastern Cape! Wait call me Mr. Eastern Cape! No wait! I need to appear like one of the masses, wait, Mr. Eastern Cape sounds too elitist and Mr. Spear sounds too aggressive. I know, call me Mr. Knobkerrie, the people’s weapon!
Beast: How bout we just call you Mr. Knob?
BvanR/Mr. Knob: Fine, as long as you acknowledge that I’m the people’s weapon.
Sinbin: I’m not so sure about that hey Beast… But I’ll happily concede that his traffic company is a weapon against the people!
Beast: Spot on Sinbin. Quick thinking there bud.
Sinbin: So Knob, tell us how you plan on making your glorious comeback?
BvanR/Mr. Knob: Well I’m pretty fuckin’ wealthy, so I’ll buy a controlling share in half the Eastern Cape, which means I’ll basically own the Spears. They tried to get rid of me, but you know even after a nuclear winter, it’ll just be me and the cockroaches – I’m a survivor!
Sinbin: Knobs and cocks…a fetching reunion…
Beast: Jeez, you’re on a role Endo. That wasn’t even scripted and you pulled out another ripper!
Sinbin: You stole from ‘your people’, broke promises, gave an All Black Test to a soap-box stadium in return for votes, bribed minnow unions and claimed corporate gifts in return for box seats. How can you call your self the Spear, Mr. Eastern Cape?
BvanR/Knob: Look, a pink dog…
Beast: So you’re done stealing from your people, now you’re stealing my Pink Dog expression. Classy Mr. Knob, boy you really no how to impress.
BvanR/Knob: Look you clowns – I will have my revenge in this coming Super 14 or the next!!! Father to a talented region, husband to an unwanted Super 14 franchise, and if I could remember the rest, a whole lotta things to a whole lotta people!
Sinbin: A talentless Arse Clown? Anyway Mr. Knob – the closing question - what about South African rugby? Surely your quest is a selfish personal crusade and you actually have no intent, as you showed when you were the hot-dog at SARU, to actually help our rugby? Placing the Spears in the Super 14 will dilute our game, break down the structures of the Golden Lions, one of the original life lines of the Springboks and plunge our rugby loving Nation into a semi-civil-war?
BvanR/Knob: I love lamp!
hahahahaha thats a keeper. Good stuff Beast. After your stint in the “Luke is so cool” article i wrote you off. But good comeback
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