Archive for the 'Beast's Insight' Category

Kissing Your Sister!

Posted October 16, 2006 * Comments(8)

This is going to be brief, but Joel’s comments following the 28-28 draw in Saturday’s Currie Cup final deserve special mention. First was his perennial favourite, this time in the context of the anti-climatic result:

“Well a draw is really like kissing your sister”

What a pearler… it’s not like we’ve heard that one before. It seems everything to you is like kissing your sister. Is there something you’d like to tell us Joel?

I’m looking forward to his commentary during the end-of year tour:

“Great try in the corner by Pierre Spies. High fives all round for the big man. That was a bone-crunching hand-off he gave O’Driscoll. An awesome try… a lot like kissing your sister”.

But I digress, after kissing his sister Joel then proceeded to tell South Africa that this game would go down in the ANALS of Currie Cup Rugby. Awesome huh! In commentary 101F, Hugh Bladen forgot to explain to Joel the difference between ANNAL and ANAL.

As irritating as he is, one has to appreciate the entertainment he provides for our country. Between ‘kissing sister’s’, ‘anal’ and ‘high fives all round’, Joel Stransky ensures there’s never a dull moment on a Saturday afternoon.

And he won us the World Cup. Top bloke that Joel.  

Beast Out

Brokeback Kiwi’s!

Posted September 4, 2006 * Comments(4)

Beast is back!

Awesome. Great times. High fives all round.

So kids, The Boks have finally won a Test Match, and it was against the all powerful, all intimidating All Blacks. 450 people filtered in to Rustenberg stadium on Saturday and each one of those people was delirious when, at 5pm,

Jake’s brother and referee Chris White blew the match whistle for the final time.What a pleasure. And while Rustenberg was practically empty. Next week’s game against the Wallabies will be played at Herschel Girls in Cape Town, so you can expect a much bigger crowd.

Those private school girls have the money to attend the game, so a sell-out is on the cards.

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I was expecting to see more ladies at the game this weekend and I’m taken back to the Haka when, I must confess, I had a little Brokeback moment at the site of Daniel Carter flexing his (significant) muscles. More than once during the game I noticed his face morphing into that of Jake Gyllenhaal’s.  

When Dan scored the All Black’s first try I lost all inhibitions and could be seen shouting “I wish i knew how to quit you!”.

This behaviour can be excused, because by this stage of the match, I’d already had almost 2 beers. From that moment, I noticed Cyril (who was propping up the other side of the Bronx Bar) casting furtive glances in my direction. Hmmm.

Note to self: Don’t pretend you’re gay in front of strangers.But let’s be honest… I don’t care how heterosexual you are, Dan Carter is good looking.

Well done Bokke!! You have deservedly received a world of shit in the press recently, but you managed to pull a win out the bag. We are proud of you. You showed guts and determination bordering on desperation.

Beast Out

Brian Van Rooyen Exclusive

Posted August 24, 2006 * Comments(2)

Beast (your favourite cynic) and the Sinbin (your favorite 10 minutes) have teamed up to for the most important interview you will EVER read, maybe. But probably not, but his expose was so groundbreaking and revealing, that these two champions have decided to syndicate future collaborations in a Parkinsonesque show. Their new talk show – Beastenders – will debut next month on BBC.   Anywhoo… This is their exclusive interview with one of the scariest men alive. Former SARFU boss, Brian van Rooyen.                                     

                                                                       Brian1.bmp 

Sinbin/Enders: Morning Brian! 

BvanR: Please call me Umkhonto from now on. It means Spear! I will rise out of the ashes in my complimentary Rover 75 Tourer. I plan to take over the Eastern Cape and the Spears, I am the frikkin Eastern Cape! Wait call me Mr. Eastern Cape! No wait! I need to appear like one of the masses, wait, Mr. Eastern Cape sounds too elitist and Mr. Spear sounds too aggressive. I know, call me Mr. Knobkerrie, the people’s weapon!

Beast: How bout we just call you Mr. Knob? 

BvanR/Mr. Knob: Fine, as long as you acknowledge that I’m the people’s weapon. 

Sinbin: I’m not so sure about that hey Beast… But I’ll happily concede that his traffic company is a weapon against the people! 

Beast: Spot on Sinbin. Quick thinking there bud. 

Sinbin: So Knob, tell us how you plan on making your glorious comeback? 

BvanR/Mr. Knob: Well I’m pretty fuckin’ wealthy, so I’ll buy a controlling share in half the Eastern Cape, which means I’ll basically own the Spears. They tried to get rid of me, but you know even after a nuclear winter, it’ll just be me and the cockroaches – I’m a survivor! 

Sinbin: Knobs and cocks…a fetching reunion… 

Beast: Jeez, you’re on a role Endo. That wasn’t even scripted and you pulled out another ripper! 

Sinbin: You stole from ‘your people’, broke promises, gave an All Black Test to a soap-box stadium in return for votes, bribed minnow unions and claimed corporate gifts in return for box seats. How can you call your self the Spear, Mr. Eastern Cape? 

BvanR/Knob: Look, a pink dog… 

Beast: So you’re done stealing from your people, now you’re stealing my Pink Dog expression. Classy Mr. Knob, boy you really no how to impress.   

BvanR/Knob: Look you clowns – I will have my revenge in this coming Super 14 or the next!!! Father to a talented region, husband to an unwanted Super 14 franchise, and if I could remember the rest, a whole lotta things to a whole lotta people! 

Sinbin: A talentless Arse Clown? Anyway Mr. Knob – the closing question - what about South African rugby? Surely your quest is a selfish personal crusade and you actually have no intent, as you showed when you were the hot-dog at SARU, to actually help our rugby? Placing the Spears in the Super 14 will dilute our game, break down the structures of the Golden Lions, one of the original life lines of the Springboks and plunge our rugby loving Nation into a semi-civil-war?

BvanR/Knob: I love lamp!

Open Letter to Brent & Luke

Posted August 17, 2006 * Comments(9)

The Beast, from www.beastinsight.com, writes exclusively for The Sinbin.

Brent Russell, the most exciting attacking player in the game, has not received game time in two months. I guess he doesn’t fit in to Jake’s ‘game plan’. Luke Watson can tell Brenty all about Jake’s game plan. Perhaps the two of them could discuss their shortcomings over a few Creatine shakes after elongating their bodies with pilates exercises.

                                                    Not too small for the Baa Baa’s… 

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Here’s what they need to do if they want a look-in:

Brent: Beef up my boy. Have you not seen Jake’s Springbok Bible? You’ve been hanging with the team for years now! Mind you, you don’t get to see much of the field (by the way, it hasn’t changed shape… Bakkies was just kidding).

You need to be over 6 foot and weigh over 90 kg’s if you want to crack the starting line up. Sure, the ‘86 Bok team had the greatest backline in Springbok history, with Michael Du Plessis and Danie Craven (both tiny). In fact, it was a tiny backline with remarkable pace and skill (and Naas Botha). They ran circles around the New Zealand Cavaliers. A year later, that Cavalier team (in their All Black guise) raised the World Cup in the Bok’s absence. But that was 20 years ago Brenty. Don’t you know, Rugby is no longer a game of skill. Why learn to catch the ball and run when you can just drop it onto your foot, or brush it off to a forward.

SEE BRENT IN ACTION HERE

Luke: You have a veritable mountain to climb buddy, but with the South African public championing your cause right now, you might just stand a chance. First up, get taller. If you wanted to be a dancer in Vegas, you’d have to buy a body that fits the mould. It’s no different in SA rugby. Don’t give me a diatribe about your turnover ability or fitness or ball skills. It says here in my manual that you’re not tall enough.

Then (in your best Darth Vader voice) Luke, disown your father. We think he was cool, but then we don’t pick the team. Finally Luke, lose all of your considerable leadership skills. We can’t have a case of too many Chiefs and not enough Indians on the field. And remember: We don’t like to see passion, we want to see robots.

Finally, both of you: You better hope that we keep losing. A few victories and our fickle rugby watching public won’t care if Queen Elizabeth is on the wing. God knows, I’d like to see her spear tackle Clyde Rathbone.

Wishing that you both enjoy some Springbok game time soon.

All the Best.

Beast