The Sinbin

Beast (your favourite cynic) and the Sinbin (your favorite 10 minutes) have teamed up to for the most important interview you will EVER read, maybe. But probably not, but his expose was so groundbreaking and revealing, that these two champions have decided to syndicate future collaborations in a Parkinsonesque show. Their new talk show – Beastenders – will debut next month on BBC.   Anywhoo… This is their exclusive interview with one of the scariest men alive. Former SARFU boss, Brian van Rooyen.                                     

Sinbin/Enders: Morning Brian! 

In a season so far characterized by flowing backline moves, and a co-ordinated defensive effort, the sinbin was lucky enough to catch up with the man largely responsible for this, Jaco vd Westhuizen, on his way to drop kick practice. As he approached he removed his earphones, and all that could be heard were the distinctive sounds of the 80’s rockers, Alphaville…

                         The Thursday before the Brisbane Massacre…practicing their drops? 

JvdW: How long is this going to take? I need to get to drop kick practice, and then I have a meeting with Advanced Hair Studio.

Sinbin: Not too long Jaco. But significantly longer than the amount of game time you are going to get against the All Blacks.

JvdW: Huh? I don’t understand. Can we do this in Japanese? Did I tell you, I’m big in Japan…

Sinbin: Sorry Jaco. Unfortunately Japanese is not one of our 11 official languages. How is morale in the side at the moment? How are the guys handling the loss?

JvdW: Very well thanks. As I said, things are not too bad. I have meeting with Advanced Hair Studio, who are looking to grow back my flowing locks for me. Hopefully this will give me strength like Samson. I’m not looking for the Riaan Cruywagen  look, he looks like he has a meerkat stapled to his head.

Sinbin: That’s great Jaco. Glad to hear it. Can you shed any light on your drop kick on Saturday?

JvdW: Ja, well, it’s a move we have been practicing for a while now. The intention is to catch the opposition off guard. Ricky and I had it perfect on the training field. To put us under pressure while practicing we made Os try for the charge-down on the kick. We are so fast he did not get us once!

Sinbin: Why Os? Surely you would want to do under near match conditions, why not someone faster?

JvdW: Jake had anyone quicker than Os fetching beers. Apparently Os is too slow, or drinks them himself.

Sinbin: Tell us Jaco. What went through your mind when you called the move deep inside your own half, in the pouring rain?

JvdW: I must admit, I am used to playing rugby in Japan. The fields there are a lot smaller to accommodate their smaller players. I have slotted a drop from my own 22m before. Did I tell you, I’m big in Japan…

Sinbin: Yes Jaco, you did. Where to from here for the team? What are your plans?

JvdW: Well as soon as I have finished my meeting it’s off to the golf course, we have a round planned.

Sinbin: Surely you should be practicing?

JvdW: Shows you how much you know bru. We can’t get any worse than last weekend. We reckon if we don’t practice we have to improve.

Sinbin: That’s reassuring to hear Jaco. Good luck with the meeting, don’t let them sell the product they gave to Patricia Lewis.

JvdW: Thanks man. Will they be able to read this in Japan?

Sinbin: Yes Jaco, they will.

With that the Drop Kick King trotted off with his headphones on to the tunes of Alphaville, his balding head glinting shining in the sunlight. The Sinbin wishes him all the best with his hair treatment…

Our friend, and the owner of www.beastinsight.com, James Bisset thinks the Dutch football team could have used De Wet Barry to overcome the Portuguese yesterday!

I know why the Dutch didn’t beat Portugal last night. I made all the noises, but Dutch Coach, Marco Van Basten was having none of it. I’d like to relay the conversation that BeastInsight.com had with the Dutch coach the night before the game:

BeastInsight: What’s up Marco? I see you’re still trying to cut your own hair.

MVB: Das is waar, ja!

BeastInsight: English please Marco, 15 years ago you could talk to me in Dutch, but let me tell you… things have been a-changing round here.

MVB: Did you just say ‘a-changing’. You’re a gimp. Shut up.

BeastInsight: Moving swiftly along, Marco, how do you see Sunday night’s game going? What are you predicting?
 
MVB: I predict a riot, I predict a riot. Watching the people get lairy, is not very pretty I tell thee.

BeastInsight: Interesting you say that… I couldn’t agree more. But I think I know how you guys can still win. It’s a long shot, but it might work: We have a rugby player, his name is De Wet Barry.
 
MVB: Nee, jy’s voud… jy bedoel Barry De Wet. Ek is Duits, moenie vergeet nie.
 
BeastInsight: No, strangely enough his name is De Wet Barry, anyway you need him in your starting line up to stand any chance.

MVB: Is he that good?
 
BeastInsight: No… he’s a fucking useless rugby player, but perfect for soccer. First up, he’s Dutch. VERY DUTCH, so he’s good for eligibility. He passes the ball forward… another plus. He spends most of his time on the turf, you footballers love that! OH, he can’t catch the ball. He doesn’t even try and catch the ball which is ideal in the football world! He enjoys headbutting the opposition too and I have a feeling you might need someone like that against the likes of Figo. 

MVB: What is his kicking like?
 
BeastInsight: Are you kidding? That’s his strength. He averages 4 or 5 kicks a match. But each kick puts out a different player.

MVB: I hear you, but surely he’ll just get sent off early and put us in more trouble.
 
BeastInsight: Are you crazy, De Wet is very inconspicuous. Nobody ever sees anything that he does. This season, South Africans haven’t been able to spot him for the full 80 minutes, and it turns out he was on the field all the time. Hell, we didn’t see him once last season, but he was there. He’s practically invisible on the pitch.

MVB: I don’t know, what about this guy, Breyton Paulse? How are his football skills?
 
BeastInsight: Actually, he’s great! But he’s at the hairdresser all day Sunday.

MVB: Thanks Beast, love your website.

BeastInsight: Thanks Marco, love your hairstyle

The Beast: www.beastinsight.com

Following the surprise result of what Wendell Sailor calls, his ‘unlucky’ second urine sample testing positive for the banned stimulant cocaine, Big-Dell, who’s on the verge of a two year ban, speaks exclusively to sarugby.com’s James Endersby.

James: “Hello Wendell! Dell? Wendell… that’s right, wipe your nose, here’s a tissue.”

“Wait, there’s more on the other side; over here; bit more here, ok, you got it all. Right, so pretty solid stuff that Dell it’s really great of you to take the time out and speak to me about your latest little indiscretion.” 

Big-Dell: “Yeah, no worries, I’m feeling really confident at the moment so probably a good time to catch me hey? Heh Heh, Show me the money! Whoo!”

James: “So Dell, tell me what happened mate, what do you think about the result?”

Big-Dell: “Well it’s great, really mate, you get this unbelievable head rush and suddenly this unbelievable feeling of peace and confidence surges through your body…”

James:  “No Dell, I meant, how do you feel that your second urine sample tested positive for the banned recreational substance, cocaine? Surely you must be devastated?”

Big-Dell: “Oh yeah, well it’s all absolute rubbish, pass that other Bundi - cheers.”

“Now listen here - I’ve never touched the stuff and anyway I never actually bought it, I was targeted by rugby-groupies and anyway how do you think you get definition like this? You can’t buy these guns! I’m a confident athlete man! Why d’ya think I wear vests? Watch me flex!”

James:  “So what will you do now that you are eligible for a two year ban?”

Big-Dell: “Come on mate, you don’t really think I’ll get a two year ban now do you? This is Australia! Land of the free, land of the second, third and fourth chance! I mean, honestly, until a little while ago, the only way a fella could get into Australia was if he had done something wrong! Look at my old mate Ben Tune. He was withdrawn for a few games and then that crazy bunch of old timers called the IRB interfered, but in the end it was all water under the bridge mate.”

“You know, our Union looks after us over here in Australia. I feel sorry for guys like Cobus Visagie and Lawrence Dallaglio! I mean their Unions are such spoil sports and Nelly-no-Mates. What’s a bit of fun between friends on the weekend after a big game or even a bit-o-juice before a chest-fest at the gym? Slap ‘n tickle mate, slap ‘n tickle. I mean if Kate Moss can bounce back? So can I, lets dance, I feel like hitting the floor!” 

“So have you finished that Bundi yet?” 

James: “No mate you go ahead and order another, it’s on sarugby. So you don’t think the fact that you’ve failed two drug tests will impact your immediate career?” 

Big-Dell: “I’m looking forward to the Tri Nations! I’m feeling so confident right now that I’m prepared to put money down that I’ll even be named captain of the Wallabies and man of the series, I’ve been known to turn on a dime mate and my knowledge of the 15-man game is unchallengeable, who cares about the breakdown?  Just look at these guns…and my one-to-one gun-to-thigh ratio? Who’s Jonah? Who’s Cathy Freeman? Ah! I feel so hot right now! I’ll get more caps than Gregan!”

James: “Ha Ha, yeah right, now that’s funny right there!” 

Big-Dell: “You think this is funny mate? I’ll smash your face in mate, that’s what I’ll do!”

James: “No hang on, sorry Dell, yes absolutely. Please put the table down and let go of that woman’s neck! I was only kidding.”

Big-Dell: “People just don’t…”

James: “Ah-gee Dell, don’t cry on me now mate, I’m sorry…”

Big-Dell: “You people have no idea about the pressures that come with million dollar contracts. Man, I got a shelf life of ten years tops! My next contracts gotta bring me the dollars that’ll last me and mine a very nlong time. I’m out of this sport in five years. What’s my family gonna live on? So I don’t wanna hear about your nya nya nya cocaine this and two years ban that – I AM A PHENOMENAL ATHLETE!

James: “Ok Dell, absolutely - - have another Bundi - - see you at the Tri Nations!”