The Sinbin

Mark Braithwaite reports from Twickenham, London.
 
It was marked as the rugby event of the centaury and it certainly lived up to its billing. A balmy Tuesday evening greeted fans from across the world as they packed into Twickenham for Rugby’s Ugliest Players Awards 2006.

 This is the 6th year that this competition has been held and competitors were certainly not holding anything back.

Hosted by the self imposed master of ceremony, Piet “I kan lyke to moerre ‘n ref” van Zyl and sponsored by Sir Richard Branson, the fans were treated to some rare moments of
un-air-brushed visual torture as the players from various generations and nations strutted their stuff.

This year’s field:

New Zealand - Tana Umaga, Paul Tito, Andrew Hoare, Alam Iiremia, Chris Jack

Australia - Andrew Walker, Jim Williams, Matt Dunning, Phil Waugh, John Eales, Willy O

South Africa - Janni De Beer, Phillip Schutte, Wahl Baartman, Adri Geldenhuys, Pota Human, Casper Steyn, Tenk Hendriks, Adolf Malan

Wales - Niel Jenkins, Rupert Moon, Gareth Thomas

England - Graham Rowntree, Phil Greening

The final result was no surprise!

Andrew Walker, who went missing half way through the prize giving and has had to have his lip-gloss and ‘nip-n-tuck’ session DHL’d to him, won the event for the 6th year running.

Runner up was the Welsh trophy, Neil Jenkins.
 
Special mentions went out to Phil Waugh

Let us know who you think should win the SARugby.com’s fans ugliest players vote!

Dallen Stanford, best known as Paki, the owner of Paki’s Corner has been playing his rugby on the West Coast of America and now writes exclusively for The Sinbin.

Paki has a few balmy things to say about Stuart Dickenson after his SHOCKER this past Saturday. 

Stuart Dickinson is rated as one of the best referees in the world.

Smoking cigarettes cause cancer.

I’d rather smoke a cigarette.

Stuart Dickinson is an absolute bag of rubbish. It’s fair to say there are not that many decent referees around – but no one gets me as fired up as this small Dick does.

And to make matters worse I had to see his fat face for the whole Springbok v France match AND New Zealand v Ireland (matches are delayed here in the USA).

How about the IRB giving Stuart Dickinson a YELLOW CARD if he performs poorly?

Or does anyone know where Piet Van Zyl lives…?

Here at the Sinbin we had always intended to add a humorous edge to every angle we pursued. Well I’m afraid this time it’s just not possible. What happened on Saturday thanks to the Delicious Rugby Club is a disgrace to rugby players everywhere.

Since when did a mere game become more important than a human life?

Absolute savages are what these murderers became, one mild Saturday afternoon in the scenic Boland.

A Saturday that was supposed to bring a turning point to a young player’s career, as he was due to play for the Boland A team later this week, was turned into a tragic nightmare for his friends, family and every sport loving South African.

Riaan Loots, who according to his father, “lived for the game”, has now come off the life support system that was prolonging his suffering and has clearly gone to a better place!

What right do these savages have to charade as rugby players week after week?

I played in the Western Province club league once. I’ve been spat on, threatened, punched kicked, sliced and run for my car after the final whistle, chased by the gangs that seem to only play the game to spread fear and intimidation.

I’ll consider myself one of the lucky ones!!

I call on anyone who reads this posting and has the team sheet for the fixture between Rawsonville and Delicious from this past Saturday to send it to me as soon as possible!enders@sarugby.com

Our friend, and the owner of www.beastinsight.com, James Bisset thinks the Dutch football team could have used De Wet Barry to overcome the Portuguese yesterday!

I know why the Dutch didn’t beat Portugal last night. I made all the noises, but Dutch Coach, Marco Van Basten was having none of it. I’d like to relay the conversation that BeastInsight.com had with the Dutch coach the night before the game:

BeastInsight: What’s up Marco? I see you’re still trying to cut your own hair.

MVB: Das is waar, ja!

BeastInsight: English please Marco, 15 years ago you could talk to me in Dutch, but let me tell you… things have been a-changing round here.

MVB: Did you just say ‘a-changing’. You’re a gimp. Shut up.

BeastInsight: Moving swiftly along, Marco, how do you see Sunday night’s game going? What are you predicting?
 
MVB: I predict a riot, I predict a riot. Watching the people get lairy, is not very pretty I tell thee.

BeastInsight: Interesting you say that… I couldn’t agree more. But I think I know how you guys can still win. It’s a long shot, but it might work: We have a rugby player, his name is De Wet Barry.
 
MVB: Nee, jy’s voud… jy bedoel Barry De Wet. Ek is Duits, moenie vergeet nie.
 
BeastInsight: No, strangely enough his name is De Wet Barry, anyway you need him in your starting line up to stand any chance.

MVB: Is he that good?
 
BeastInsight: No… he’s a fucking useless rugby player, but perfect for soccer. First up, he’s Dutch. VERY DUTCH, so he’s good for eligibility. He passes the ball forward… another plus. He spends most of his time on the turf, you footballers love that! OH, he can’t catch the ball. He doesn’t even try and catch the ball which is ideal in the football world! He enjoys headbutting the opposition too and I have a feeling you might need someone like that against the likes of Figo. 

MVB: What is his kicking like?
 
BeastInsight: Are you kidding? That’s his strength. He averages 4 or 5 kicks a match. But each kick puts out a different player.

MVB: I hear you, but surely he’ll just get sent off early and put us in more trouble.
 
BeastInsight: Are you crazy, De Wet is very inconspicuous. Nobody ever sees anything that he does. This season, South Africans haven’t been able to spot him for the full 80 minutes, and it turns out he was on the field all the time. Hell, we didn’t see him once last season, but he was there. He’s practically invisible on the pitch.

MVB: I don’t know, what about this guy, Breyton Paulse? How are his football skills?
 
BeastInsight: Actually, he’s great! But he’s at the hairdresser all day Sunday.

MVB: Thanks Beast, love your website.

BeastInsight: Thanks Marco, love your hairstyle

The Beast: www.beastinsight.com

Kurt-Tukkers-Tyack is back in the land of acid journalism after a sebbatical spent touring the Eastern Block with his mate Joe Weider. Kurt tells us Joe Weiders all new Hops flavoured Protein Shake © has done wonders for his sizeable calf muscles!

Morning All…

After the Boks recent poor performances against the Scots and the French, I started to think about some of the worst Bok performances in my memory, and this in turn lead me to ponder who were perhaps the worst ever players to don the coveted green and gold.

Thinking about this I soon had a huge list, mainly due to the Harry Viljoen/Robocop Straueli era’s, when Bok blazers were handed out like condoms at a rock concert.

I am sure I will leave one or two players out, and if I offend anybody by naming their father/son/uncle/sister or mom in my list, well boo-frikken-hoo. Deal with it…

In no particular order:

Scrumhalf - Stormin’ Norman Jordaan – A slow, erratic pass was only overshadowed by the vision of the man, which could only be described as about as good as that of the person at the end of a guide dog. Stormin’ Norman would often be seen passing to a lumbering forward marked by 2 or 3 defenders while on the other side of the ruck stood four or five unmarked backs screaming for the ball. Had the next man on my list been standing among those backs, one could well forgive him for passing to the forward…

Inside Centre - Jannie Claasens – Claasens toured to France in the early 90’s, when crash and bash rugby was at its’ peak. At about 105kg, he was expected to thump the French into submission. For those of you who have played rugby, tackling a 105kg player moving a high pace is not much fun. Unfortunately for Claasens he was not quick. His time for the 100m sprint was ………………. Unfortunately there is no official time for this as he has not completed the 100m dash he begun in 1986, to date. We will inform you of the time when he finishes. The French backs ran amok around him.

Hooker – Owen ‘Very Excellent’ Nkumane – If our friend Owen’s rugby commentary is anything to go by then, in the words of the great man, he must have been very excellent. In fact he was not. One wonders how he made the side when one of a hookers primary roles is lineout throwing. Nkumane couldn’t hit water if he fell out of a boat. About as mobile as a supertanker, Nkumane’s ruck count was often as high as 1. And if only his tackle count had been as high as his lost throw-ins he may well have made it big…

Tighthead Prop – Ettiene Fynn – The equivalent of the classic pop one hit wonder. Or did he play for the Boks twice? Who cares? Once was too much. His scrummaging was about as effective as throwing a marshmallow against a wall. His selection was based on his performances for the Sharks in the Super 12, which from memory were nothing short of… ordinary. But sanity soon prevailed, and he was banished along with his front row colleague Owen to the commentary box. One wonders whether Bok supporters would rather the two played and every game was lost, than have to listen to these two ‘experts’ drone on every weekend.

Outside Centre – Edrich Lubbe – Selected for his ability to kick goals, and nothing else, Lubbe had the silky handling skills of a man sporting 2 udders for hands. Fresh from the ‘kop af en vorentoe’ school of rugby, Lubbe was a coaches dream. Lubbe’s ability to take contact as the practiced move required, despite yawning gaps and huge overlaps, meant that he was a hit with his wingers, who, if the ball past the inside centre, knew they need not get excited as they had Edrich inside them.

Lock – Adri Geldenhuys – Let’s face it, Geldenhuys was actually a decent player, but he makes my team simply because he was such an almighty prick. Today’s breed of rugby thug could take a leaf or two out of Adri’s book. Although in hindsight, I doubt Geldenhuys had the ability to read, let alone write a book. Geldenhuys more than likely had typical Despatch upbringing, where inflicting pain on small animals or your younger brother were a way of proving your manliness. Eye-gouging, punching, spitting, nothing was too dirty for our Adri. In summary a disgrace to SA rugby.

Left Wing – Cabous vd Westhuizen – The only thing worse than watching Cabous strut his stuff on the rugby field was his haircut. Years before the mullet made an unwelcome return, Cabous could be seen smoothing back his stringy, straggly mullet, somehow to the delight of women rugby watchers. To most men, his lack of real pace, inability to kick, and the fact that he somehow always managed to be in the scoring position made him a huge irritation, hence his inclusion in my side.

Well there you have it. In hindsight, after the Boks poor performance against the French, a few others made a strong case for selection (Ahem, De Wet Barry), but I will leave it there. Hope this generates some healthy debate. I hope you enjoy this, and I look forward to my next 10 minutes in the bin!